Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Magic numbers

I have a bad habit I need to own up to. I don't update my Fitbit, MyFitnessPal, or chron-o-meter account with my real weight when it gets to a number I don't like. My weight isn't even public on those sites to my friends and I still don't update it. You see, once I pass that certain number, I refuse to record it anywhere. I refuse to buy it new pants. I refuse to acknowledge it. It's as if I'm trying to shun it into not ever having existed. It's a personal insult that I have done to myself which I refuse to document. It's also around that same number that I refuse to have my picture taken or wear anything but layers that strategically hide most everything.
I suspect everyone has this number in their head. It's different for everyone but we all know the number where we want to be, the number that we'll settle for, and the number that we're scared of. I'm mostly OK with my body and don't hate it. Until I reach this number - then I feel miserable. Everything else I can justify or manage.
Today, I hit a different milestone number. I've specifically not been focusing on weight, but on being healthier in general. Losing weight is a happy byproduct of that and I'm treating it as such. But today made me proud. Made me feel like I've accomplished something. I am slowly starting to have more good days than bad. The changes I've been making since September are adding up and seem to be helping. Stepping on that scale today was an affirmation - my body is acknowledging these changes are for the better and reacting positively to living a healthier lifestyle.
I've struggled with the self loathing and the disgust of my body - both when being under and over weight. Accepting myself for who I am and nourishing the body I have has helped me get to a better place, both physically and emotionally. Trying to hide my weight from myself is not self acceptance. It's only cheating myself when I don't record things. Oh but my brain remembers no matter what. Damn right she keeps track. So I will record and I will be honest, no matter which direction the scale tips. Being honest with myself and reflecting on how I'm feeling are the best things I can do to make positive changes. It's easy to get hung up on numbers, especially when we associate value or self worth with them. I am starting to think of them as just another statistic about me that I want to log so I can see how it correlates with my overall health. Maybe then I won't get so emotionally involved with the numbers I see on the scale. 

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